Smile Though You're Heart is Breaking

     I finally got my little man comfortable and asleep, in my bed no less, after an hour or so of him being scared and crying that he please, please, please doesn't want to go to school. "Please Mommy, please don't make me go" said his soaked, red, scrunched up face as he wrapped his arms around my neck, sobbing.

     Sometimes the hardest moments are when you have to let your children go and try something new, when they don't want to and it's against your better judgement.  I want him to stay here, with me, at home until he's a grown man and big enough to defend himself.  I know it's not rational, I know it's not popular, but I wanted to tell him, "okay, you don't have to go", but I couldn't.  It feels so unnatural, but I also know that it's time for him to grow without me a little bit.  It's time for someone else to teach him.  I have to be confident for him that it's all going to be okay. So, instead, I told him, "It'll be okay.  You'll see that it's fun to learn." and I also told him, "You get to use a urinal there.  You love that kind of toilet.  We don't have one of those at home.  They only have them at school and the mall" He promptly stated, "but Daddy could just put one in for us."  He doesn't miss anything.  "Give it a chance...you'll see, I promise it'll turn out alright!"  Even after all that and all the nervousness,  I shared how I was the same way as a little girl and I went anyway and I love it.  The library became my favourite place, where I could read any book I wanted and I learned so many wonderful things. 

     I only know of one way to help him when I'm completely lost and that's to pray.  So I prayed silently while he expressed his fears and then I told him that even when Mommy and Daddy aren't there, God's there.  God loves him just like Mommy and Daddy and God will help him feel safe.  The crying died down quite quickly after that.  Then I told him about the mustard seed and I showed him one of my necklaces that has a mustard seed in it.  I told him that it says in the Bible that all we need is faith as tiny as this seed and nothing will be impossible for us.  He really seemed to like that!  We were able to talk a little more coherently and we came up with a few ways to feel even safer while at school.

     We're also having a super, fun, treasure hunt that is starting from his school and ending in our backyard tomorrow.  He's drawing up the map and decorating his bike like a ship in the morning.  It'll be lots of fun and help take his mind off his worries, so he can enjoy his first day on Tuesday.  What a GREAT idea he came up with to get his mind off his troubles.  He's doing his part...

     ...And now I have to do mine.  I have to do everything within my power to not allow my emotions to get the better of me, infront of him, over the next week.  He needs me to be confident, sure, and very excited for his new adventure.  I'm his compass and if I'm nervous, he'll be nervous too.  If I show him that I'm not worried at all, then he'll feel sure and confident, too.  I hope and pray that I am given the strength if I run out or falter.  I can cry my heart out when he's not around, but until then I am to be everything he needs me to be.  This is what I need to remember this week, if nothing else.  What else is a mother to do, but swallow all that down for her kid so they feel safe, eventhough my heart is breaking into a million pieces.